Don't let me disappear

We’ll have our own little house, the living room full of our stuff, with our photos, my books...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:22:15 -0400

We’ll have our own little house, the living room full of our stuff, with our photos, my books and your CD´s. The bed will be our bed, the closet full of our clothes. We’ll shower together on the days it’s possible and go out for some breakfast in the morning sun. After school I’ll visit you at work, to give afternoon kisses and to get some lunch. I’ll cook for you when you’re busy making money, we’ll get chinese when we’re both tired from work and school. We’ll do our laundry, shop for our groceries, clean our house.
It will be our little place. We’ll have friends over for dinner or drinks. Watch movies together and cuddle on the couch. Maybe we’ll argue from time to time, but we’ll always make up and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
I’ll tell you I love you, in that sleepy moment with our eyes closed and our lips searching for a good night kiss. But most of all, I will smile every time I wake up next to you. I’ll be filled with the happiness and bliss our love brings. And I’ll promise you to love you for each and every day to come.

4am and I hear your breathing,your body a vague dark shape next to me.And my sleepy mind...

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 16:02:48 -0500

4am and I hear your breathing,
your body a vague dark shape next to me.

And my sleepy mind spins,
wondering what your dreaming
and if you feel safe.
Wishing you’d turn around
and reach for me.

But instead, I know,
I should reach for you
and make sure you are safe.

So I cuddle up as close as I can,
holding you so near,
there’s hardly room for me to breathe.
I can do with a little less air,
and a little less sleep,
as long as I have got you.

I stumble clumsily over the ‘I love you’s and ‘I miss you’s. The words...

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 16:38:43 -0500

I stumble clumsily over the ‘I love you’s and ‘I miss you’s. The words don’t sufficiently cover what I feel for you or how beautiful I think you are. They don’t really tell you how you light up my world or that you make me feel complete. They don’t say how I’m forever yours. But every so often I find myself searching for the words, and the only ones I find are those. And when the only sound I can utter is “I love you”, I want you to know there’s so much more, that this is what it means. Always.

Living together

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 17:15:09 -0500

I just want to be able to come home, knowing I’ll see you shortly. That you walk in, saying “I’m home, sweetie-pie”. I’ll stand up and walk to the hallway to meet you and hang up your coat for you. We’ll kiss sweetly, walk to the living room and you’ll push me back on the couch and kiss me harder. We’ll lay cuddling on the couch, talking about our day and watching TV but not paying attention because we’re just enjoying being so close. You might fall asleep while holding me, as you often do. You’re always most relaxed just lying with me, holding me or being held by me. I’ll try to slip away from you to cook dinner for us, at first you won’t let me go but then I lift up your arm and kiss your cheek; “be right back, baby” I tell you. You’ll smile broadly when I come back with our plates with warm food and say you’ll love me. Maybe we’ll stay home for the rest of the night, just being together. Maybe we’ll go out and meet up with friends for a drink. It will be a lovely night, knowing we’ll be able to make love later and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
The best part’s gonna be knowing that I’ll barely ever have to spend a night without you anymore.

The feeling just builds up over time, everyday. The stuff in my room reminding me of us and making...

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 05:05:33 -0500

The feeling just builds up over time, everyday. The stuff in my room reminding me of us and making me smile. Re-reading your goodnight texts saying you love me so as I send you a goodmorning one. Things I see and songs I hear that I relate us to.
It builds up and it builds up and doesn’t take long before I’m bursting and I need to get it out.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you so fucking much.

Home is where the heart is

Fri, 18 Jan 2013 14:42:23 -0500

(Rough draft, feedback appreciated)
I’ve never had places in particular where I felt at home. It’s always been my company or my activities that made me feel comfortable to be in a certain place.
Even the city I was born in and lived in for 19 years cannot be called home unconditionally. It’s the friends and family who still live there that make me feel at ease, it’s the close memories I still have from living there. But as those memories will fade, my comfort there will fade with them.
Nor do I feel particular warmth for the city I’ve resided in for the past year, going to school every day, meeting up with friends, going to parties and having a room there that I should be calling my home. I only call it that when my friends are over, watching tv shows and having dinner together. The school building is closest to home, because I spend a great deal of time there with those friends I love.
I’ve felt at home roaming foreign cities, simply because my head was filled with familiar songs or the houses looked so pretty I could imagine myself building a life there. I’ve been comfortable with people I’d never met before, but our online conversations had already created a bond strong enough to feel at home by simply being with them.
I admire how it doesn’t matter where my sister moves to, her house is always home. She puts their pictures up, hangs some Tibetan flags and covers the walls with her son’s drawings. I admire her craft of building a home wherever she is, and making me feel at home in places where I’ll only spend a few days.
I wonder though, how people always refer to home as a place, as something static. My homes travel the world, move from house to house and sometimes they even visit me, so that the house with all my stuff can finally be called a home. My homes usually breathe and eat and drink and talk. My homes can be simple fleeting moments that pass, only for me to remember with a pang of nostalgia.
I’m still searching for a place to call home, but I’ll keep taking great care of the hearts I feel I belong with.

I just love spending time with you because you ease my mind and calm my spirit. I don’t feel...

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 19:39:21 -0500

I just love spending time with you because you ease my mind and calm my spirit. I don’t feel restless when I’m with you. I can finally live in the moment and enjoy.

If I were to write a list of all my favorite moments with you, the list would describe every minute...

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 11:54:04 -0500

If I were to write a list of all my favorite moments with you, the list would describe every minute I’ve spend with you.

We had just made love and I could see your face in the light of the Christmas lights. A healthy glow...

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 18:18:09 -0500

We had just made love and I could see your face in the light of the Christmas lights. A healthy glow on your cheeks, the freckle on your eyelid and a smile playing on your lips. I thought to myself “I love you so much, you are so perfect to me” and felt my heart breaking at the possibility of ever losing you. In the mean time, whether that’s 5 or 50 years, I’ll hold on to every little detail of you. I’ll count your freckles and memorize the sound of your laugh, the feel of your skin, the light in your eyes, and most of all the overwhelming sense of loving you and being loved by you.

(About falling in love) It’s the sparkle in your eyes and the way you smile at me. Getting...

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 04:54:23 -0500

(About falling in love)

It’s the sparkle in your eyes and the way you smile at me. Getting ready for bed, when I clean my make up off and you love me even more. When we lie in bed and and you curl up around me. Falling asleep while you hold me. Whispering ‘I Love You’ in the dark and giving sleepy kisses. Our bodies touching, our breathing synchronized. Holding hands. Shopping together. Coming home to you. Walking, laughing, drinking, partying, eating, showering, sleeping, kissing, cuddling, frolicking. Loving every single moment I spend with you. Grilled cheese in the morning, cuddling on the couch. Playing Scrabble. Watching TV shows. Doing dishes. Cooking. Breathing. Being. With you. Always.

It’s been a few months since you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I said yes with all the...

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 18:01:47 -0500

It’s been a few months since you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I said yes with all the love I have in me. It’s been a few months since I’ve been giggling and grinning wildly at random moments. It hasn’t been a crazy roller coaster of emotions, just a nice steady flow of loving you. Sometimes scared to lose you, often afraid to disappoint. But then you look at me, and I am certain no one has ever been able to love me the way you do. I want to write the most beautiful words down to describe how amazing you make me feel, but it won’t be sufficient. I’ve been trying to find the most beautiful love poem ever written, but it’s never like the love you make me feel. I’m trying to find a way to show you how strongly I feel, to tell you that my heart is completely and unconditionally yours. But I know you know, because we lie in bed and tell each other how we feel, to only realize how similar our hearts beat for one another. So it’s okay. It’s all okay, as long as I’m with you.

From time to time, I just sit there, watch how you smile and how your eyes light up. And it’s...

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 17:31:00 -0500

From time to time, I just sit there, watch how you smile and how your eyes light up. And it’s incredible how one person can fill me with so much warmth and love, that it consumes me and makes tears well up in my eyes because the emotions are just so strong. And I want you to know it almost hurts to be away from you. With you, I am myself and the best version of myself. You are my home, my safe haven. With you, I can take on the world.

I wake up to you sleeping, your face entirely relaxed and your arm is around me. I turn around to...

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 14:47:10 -0500

I wake up to you sleeping, your face entirely relaxed and your arm is around me. I turn around to check the time and you pull me closer. I smile and turn back to you. I hide my face under the sheets, against your chest to hear your heart beat. ‘I love you’, ‘I love you’, I whisper with every beat, and I hope that each one is for me.

I hate how you get used to someone’s presence. When you’ve spend almost two days in...

Sun, 28 Oct 2012 15:55:16 -0400

I hate how you get used to someone’s presence. When you’ve spend almost two days in someone’s arms, being able to give and get kisses and any given moment, used to the sound of his laughter and accustomed to the occasional rounds of getting tickled.

And then you’re alone again and all you have are the songs that he sent you and the smell of his cologne still in your sweater.

As I sit here typing up a report for school I imagine your hands stroking my neck. Your soft lips...

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:50:04 -0400

As I sit here typing up a report for school I imagine your hands stroking my neck. Your soft lips giving me a kiss on the cheek, and a chuckle as you walk away to lie on my bed, and start reading an article about your favorite band, while I finish my work. With your occasional humorous remarks, and my confused questions. And from time to time I let myself get distracted by you and we frolic in bed, kissing and tickling each other.

But I have to get back to work.
And I miss you.

Almost home.

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 08:38:00 -0400

A wide smile while walking away from the station. I left my house an hour ago but in a few minutes I’ll be in his arms. (It’s incredible how all the cliches are true.) I almost cross the street without looking but jump back when a car passes. (Being in love makes you reckless). Concentrate, little girl, I say to myself. Still grinning. Still happy. Still anxious to cover the 700 meters parting us. Almost there. (Almost home).

(about falling in love) It’s floundering and fighting, it’s getting thrown from one side...

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 11:57:00 -0400

(about falling in love)

It’s floundering and fighting, it’s getting thrown from one side to the other. It’s drowning and trying to stay afloat. And then you notice that you relax in his presence and the storm in your head quiets down.
Actually it’s very easy.

Little things. Songs, words, books, little facts about me. I hand them to you. Not because I think...

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 10:35:59 -0400

Little things. Songs, words, books, little facts about me. I hand them to you. Not because I think I’m so interesting, but because the more I give you, the less chance there is you’ll forget everything. And I don’t want to be forgotten.

Because I’ll remember you.

He told me, “I want to make your soul stronger”He told me, “You’re too...

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 17:41:45 -0400

He told me, “I want to make your soul stronger”
He told me, “You’re too reserved”
He told me, “You’re so vulnerable”

I shook my head and whispered to him:
“I like my soul, and I like my vulnerability.
I like that I get emotional, and that I get attached.
I like that I care so much, because I think it makes me beautiful.
Everything I do, I do with love. And yes, that hurts,
but it makes me who I am.”

4VCHave you ever had an experience that passed, but it never really stopped. You can’t say...

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 10:19:51 -0400

4VC

Have you ever had an experience that passed, but it never really stopped. You can’t say it’s over. You can only say “it passed, I guess.”
You never really said goodbye to it, it keeps hanging in your head, sometimes in a dark corner, sometimes on the surface. It’s never really gone.
I want it to be over. So badly. I don’t want to shed a tear for him anymore. I don’t want to feel the ache in my heart because of him anymore. And, I want him to feel it too. I wish I could hurt him like he hurt me. But most of all,
I want it to be over.